A Reflection of My Life (On My 21st Birthday)

It’s been a journey and I still can’t believe that after the next 24 hours, I’ve been on my 21st year of existence on this planet! It seems it was all yesterday. How time flies! How I really miss those days when the sunshine was more like shadows to me. Yes, those days when all I could brag with was my very active fantasy life, my uncanny sense of adventure which somehow to this day makes me smile even if no one else is around.

Writing about my life in terms of progress report or where I am- summing it up, is painfully a tedious and difficult thing and trying to recollect the important historical event of my life is even more so. By and large, I find this idea worth interesting, important and even ennobling. Since I’m not so good at vocalizing private pain (as well as my little joys) so publicly, putting thoughts on paper and in this blog has been a brainchild exhaust pipe to me.

Twenty years ago, I was an infant just weaned from my mother’s protective breast. Then I have but surely learned to stand on my knees alone. At times I was clumsy, baffled, and full of questions and mistakes. To be perfectly honest, I was the cynical type, the person whose complications cannot fit in a set of encyclopedia. I thought life in this world wasn’t only fleeting but also rife with difficulties. I spent a lifetime pursuing the good I wanted. Then one day, I woke up and realized I didn’t have the slightest idea where I was headed. I live life without giving much attention to why I thought, said and did things. Who would blame me if I spent the rest of my days wallowing in self-pity? There were moments when I felt so down, so isolated, so alone. There were countless times when believing seemed so pointless, so puerile. And yet, I clung on. I almost died on two separate incidents. One was due to severe illness; the other was from a tragic accident. But gracious me, I somehow managed to pull through.

My brother’s death has changed me into another metamorphosis. I used to be into it. You see his passing into the world humbled my being. The wounds I bore remained festering inside through the years. I’ve been building the courage to ask this question to God in my prayer: God, why take my brother away and not me? I was wondering why I’m still very alive and kicking when all I wanted was ever since I gained awareness was ending it all so as to get some real rest. But then, I got tired of ceasing to live! Then I was taught that life is a great teacher and so is death. It was Kahlil Gibran’s undying inscriptions which awakened my belief:

You shall know the secret of death
But where shall you find it
Unless in the heart of life.

I knew I have been asked to endure more and to fight and the harsh realities in life with every ounce of energy I could muster. It’s not easy being in a minority, especially in the minority that is constantly looked down or ridiculed upon by certain people who have done all their means in cajoling people until you finally agree to their idiosyncratic minds. These thoughts truly filled me with total disgust. I have toyed the idea of being different for a long time now, but it’s only recently that I’ve began to look at it objectively rather than hoping against that it wasn’t really so. After all, every human is unique person, an individual with qualities all his own. It’s only now that I realize the risks I took just to make the right decision. Bad influences make up a majority of the population. If we are to survive in this world full of uncertainties we must also distinguish between what is safe and unsafe for our psychic selves. This includes being choosy of the people who you can be trusted upon.

I have a lot of people my own age who prefer breaking into incredible deed, doing illegal activities, shocking and baffling people. These people don’t know how to control their crazy minds so they take all kinds of drugs, or mesmerize themselves by alcohol and become addicted. How chaotic my life would have been if I yielded to their vicious campaign against the world. I don’t want to cry and yell myself one day, “Why didn’t I fight, why didn’t I try to be strong?” I have no desire to be anything like them. I’m astute enough to realize that being as vulnerable as they are would devastate me to the extent that would be difficult to recover from.

Life must go on for me and for those whom I learned to love. Now, I exactly know my reason for being. I learned that it was a good thing to dream big. Even if I don’t accomplish the dream, I will have a more fulfilled life along the way than if I just give up before I start. But I should not keep dreaming of something I accept to be impossible or something I accept to be utopic.

This time I must haves lived high points in life full of beauty and color. This I guess, is enough to make up for a painful past and angst that appears unique to me. Why should I sulk when I can be happy with what I have and do for today? The poet reminds me that the season is too glorious and too fleeting. There’s a lesson somewhere, but given the beautiful day such as today I’ enjoying for at the moment is indeed a time to celebrate life in its fullness. I know very well that it’s nice to be happy.

I have dreamt and God in heaven helped me. Those who obey know the blessings of Jehovah. His wisdom, truth and love are shown to all who choose His way. How would I exactly persuade anyone that God really blessed me? He blessed me with friends with whom I always run to when I long the feeling, the longing to be loved. My God is more than good enough. He forgives me every time I stumble and fall. He is not expecting perfection from me. And I gain knowledge on my own, but wisdom emanates from Him. As Robert Fulghum says: “All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain but there in the sand pile at Sunday school. These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don’t hit people. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. Say sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash you hands before you eat. Flush. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play some and work everyday some.”

I now return to my room, to myself and find that I have not left; I can’t go home for I have never gone away.

Tomorrow is a no big day, that for sure. No partying, no giving of gifts and possibly no lighting of candles on a cake. For this is written: “A name is better than perfume, and the day of death than the day of one’s being born.”

All I have in my mind is to let my soul on the march, towards my destiny, to conquer my place in the sun.