Friday, February 27, 2009

Words To Live By

WORDS TO LIVE BY


Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

BOB RUBIN


Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.

DANIEL S. GREENBERG


If you cannot catch a bird of paradise, better take a wet hen.

NIKITA KHRUSCHEV


Never eat anything whose listed ingredients cover more than one-third the package.

JOSEPH LEONARD


Write injuries in dust, benefits in marble.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN


People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

DAVID H. COMINS


Let your intentions create your methods and not the other way around.

THE AUTHOR although Benjamin Franklin said it first


Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.

QUENTIN CRISP


You can't tell your friend if you've been cuckolded. Even if he doesn't laugh at you, he may put the information to personal use.

MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE


Put all your eggs in one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET!

MARK TWAIN


It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

STUART'S LAW OF RETROACTION


Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

ERMA BOMBECK


Don't go to piano bars where young, unemployed actors get up and sing. Definitely don't be a young, unemployed actor who gets up and sings.

TONY LANG


Live simply that others may simply live.

ELIZABETH SEATON


Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

OSCAR WILDE


Always obey your superiors—if you have any.

MARK TWAIN


Dare to be naive.

R. BUCKMINSTER FULLER


Never underestimate a man who overestimates himself.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT


Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and shoot down the middle.

PRAGMATIC CREED


The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

DAMON RUNYON


One does not moisten a stamp with the Niagara Falls.

P. W. R. FOOT


This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.

DAVID LETTERMAN


No leg's too short to reach the ground.

LYNDON IRVING


She that knows why knows wherefore.

JIM SNELL


He digs deepest who deepest digs.

ROGER WODDIS


My dear, I don't care what they do, so long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

MRS. PATRICK CAMPBELL


Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

ADDISON MIZNER


If it might break, don't go near it.

HERBERT STEIN


Go through the motions anyway; you might get lucky.

THOMAS MAGNUM


When you handle yourself, use your head; when you handle others, use your heart.

DONNA REED


When the telephone rings, it is against the law not to answer it.

RING LARDNER


Comments from the public are always welcome in courts of law. When you start speaking, an usher will call "Silence in court" to ensure that you are heard without interruption.

PETER ALEXANDER


__________________________________________________________________

LIFE

Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it.

CYNTHIA NELMA


There is more to life than increasing its speed.

MAHATMA GANDHI


Some people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN


Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT


While alive, he lived.

MALCOLM FORBES etched on his tombstone


Life's experiments are great fun. This is but another one.

RUDYARD KIPLING


A man's life of any worth is a continual allegory.

JOHN KEATS

Unified, disciplined, armed with the secret powers of the atom and with knowledge as yet beyond dreaming, Life, forever dying to be born afresh, forever young and eager, will presently stand upon this earth as upon a footstool and stretch out its realm amidst the stars.

H. G. WELLS


There's an old joke: Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort and one of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life.


Woody Allen opening lines to Annie Hall

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

HELEN HAYES AT AGE 83


Some say life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

RUTH RENDELL


We cannot be normal and alive at the same time.

E. M. CIORAN


Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves?

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE


Who knows? Maybe my life belongs to God. Maybe it belongs to me. But I do know one thing: I'm damned if it belongs to the government.

ARTHUR HOPPE


I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live.

DEUTERONOMY 30:19


Tom appeared on the sidewalk with a bucket of whitewash and a long-handled brush. He surveyed the fence, and all gladness left him and a deep melancholy settled down upon his spirit. Thirty yards of board fence nine feet high. Life to him seemed hollow, and existence but a burden.

MARK TWAIN TOM SAWYER


Life is too short to waste In critical peep or cynic bark, Quarrel or reprimand: 'Twill soon be dark; Up! Mind thine own aim, and God speed the mark!

RALPH WALDO EMERSON


What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

COLETTE


If I had to define life in a word, it would be: Life is creation.

CLAUDE BERNARD The Bulletin of New York Academy of Medicine


Dear friend, all theory is gray, And green the golden tree of life.

JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE


There must be more to life than having everything.

MAURICE SENDAK


There's got to be more to life than sittin' here watchin' Days of Our Lives and foldin' your Fruit of the Looms.

MAMA MAMA'S FAMILY


Remember that you ought to behave in life as you would at a banquet. As something is being passed around it comes to you; stretch out your hand, take a portion of it politely. It passes on; do not detain it. Or it has not come to you yet; do not project your desire to meet it, but wait until it comes in front of you. So act toward children, so toward a wife, so toward office, so toward wealth.

EPICTETUS


Grasshopper, look beyond the game, as you look beneath the surface of the pool to see its depths.

MASTER PO KUNG FU


Life teaches us to be less harsh with ourselves and with others.

JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE



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